Like The Ocean
10/7/2016
11:22 AM
Ocean is truly a magical creation of god. It can be calm and ferocious. It spreads joy and happiness. It gives you pain and sense of lost. It give you the feeling of endlessness. It guides you to shores , your destiny and it takes away your life .
Everybody said my mother died giving birth to me . Ever since then papa's family considered me as a curse and a girl who brings bad luck. But papa loves me more than he loves my sister because he believes that I am the reason he have all his fortunes.
Papa said my mother died because he couldn't take her to the hospital in the town.It was the time of depression in our village where nobody had a job, a good shelter nor good meals three times a day. So my mother was weak and died. Living in the village sometimes is a curse. You don't have a good health center or school or anything apart from the nature's beauty. I have been to town only once and it was worth one year in the village. Our village is in a coastal area. Papa is the richest man there . He owns eight boats and rent them to fishermen and other people with needs. We have a two storied house at the one end of the village close to sea where nobody much comes.
Superstitions still have its deep roots in our villagers mind. And women are still inferior to men. So one way our village is a sexist village. We don't get education after the age of 12 . Most of the girls are sold in the name of marriage by the age of 14 . There is no place for love or freedom but restrictions and caging.
My sister got married when she was only 13 because my father had thought then that he is going to die without getting his daughters married and see his grand children believing in the words of an astrologer. Lucky I am he kept me home till I was 18. That is a huge leap of progress in our village. My papa was constantly blamed for keeping me home this long. But papa has no one else to look after him and so he kept me close with him. He let me complete tenth grade and that made me look like a scholar in the village.
There were coastguards coming often in our area.That changed my life forever. One afternoon papa brought them home for lunch when they got to the shore ,being a elderly person in the village . They were all good people and one among them there was an Anglo-Indian. He said his mother is Indian and father French. Surely he must be like his father with all those charming looks . Papa never knew that I am talking with this coastguard man . He was only 22 .
Papa often went to town and stayed for a day or two trusting and leaving me alone here. One day he came back with a proposal . A man of 30, his new business friend had showed an interest in me it seemed he Said.
But I was already in too deep. I denied in all the way I could. But it made my father broken. My sister and her husband started to involve and advice me in this matter . "You're are 20. If you don't marry now you are going to die as an old maid. " brother- in-law said.
I forcefully got married. My family sold me to another man ten years older than me and an empty heart in town.But they never knew that I sold my heart and my virtue to my only love. Everything month papa went to town he came home and we would spend really intimate times together. He always brought me gifts which was all safely hidden. Since there is no houses around ours nobody had seen him coming or leaving for all this one year. He took me to places I have never been before. And papa never knew. I couldn't distinguish between right or wrong nor share my feelings and thoughts with any else. May be if only my mother was alive she could have advised me on matters..
My husband have the house like the one I have back in village.. The only thing that keeps me going is the town. He takes me to new places and buy me things every time we go out but it was not because he loves me but only to keep me live with him. He never says any beautiful words nor any sweet things except when has need with me at nights . He has no family. I am his only family and this sympathy for him made me live with him than the things he buys me.
After an year of doll life in town , I met my long lost love in the streets still looking same young and handsome where I in the disguise of a married woman. Lucky I was alone . I spent my whole day with him in his hotel room . He said he quit coastguard job after I left the village and Went back to his father's place and has now come here for visiting a friend. When I woke up with hopes to never go back but live with him forever afraid of losing again I found something glistening in his finger on his right hand as he slept. A ring. My hopes streamed down along with my tears. I silently left the room with a thousand splendid memories to live with further.
I knew what it meant. I felt ashamed of myself. My heart lender doesn't belong to me anymore. May be I should have given a thought to this very earlier. I loved him and he said he loved me back too but he never said he would Marry me or take me with him. There were no promises but only carnal pleasure for him or may be to be very appropriate carnal abuse since I was hardly 19 when I met him. I cried that whole night deciding to start a new life with my husband . I cried expecting to be consoled by him but instead he asked me to go away finish weeping and come back. That cold rejection hurt like a deep wound cut again.
I feel ashamed. Why couldn't I be a good daughter and a good wife. Have I not cheated everyone. My husband and my family . Yes my family , I did. But I am still a good wife to my care taker man to say. I never reacted when I found lip stick mark on his neck one day when he got back home so I am being a very obedient wife to him am I not keeping silent even though I wanted to smash his head with a pan, My husband . I know how much time he spent with other good wives . But I don't want my self to be one.I neither want to suffer nor to be a curse in another woman's dreams about her husband. I am so tried of this. Why so much suffering. Why don't people respect my feeling because am just a woman and an object to everyone. My papa doesn't know anything. Poor man thinks his duties are over and he can now die peacefully.
Now I have decided to go away. A very far away place were nobody will know about me and my past. Am sure to die when my child is born since it won't resemble anybody related to me, with those fair western look. It is better to live alone than live a dying life everyday with people you don't have a drop of feeling. Like the ocean now my heart feels the wave of despair, regret and some anxiety.
If only my mother was alive she would have guided me to the right way. If only my love wasn't for a coward person I wouldn't have suffered this. If only I wasn't born as a curse my life would have had another twist.Now I know why they said am Born curse. It is not for others but myself for self destruction.
Sitting in the bus now eloping with my dark secrets my pain seems to slowly fade . Let boarding this bus to another city be my boarding to a new happy life with my child. I kept a letter near the bed stand for my dear husband saying" do not hide any more sir. have a happy time with other women when I leave " . Its making me laugh on how it is going to be a slap on his face and for Papa am sure he will understand me one day.
10/7/2016
11:22 AM
Ocean is truly a magical creation of god. It can be calm and ferocious. It spreads joy and happiness. It gives you pain and sense of lost. It give you the feeling of endlessness. It guides you to shores , your destiny and it takes away your life .
Everybody said my mother died giving birth to me . Ever since then papa's family considered me as a curse and a girl who brings bad luck. But papa loves me more than he loves my sister because he believes that I am the reason he have all his fortunes.
Papa said my mother died because he couldn't take her to the hospital in the town.It was the time of depression in our village where nobody had a job, a good shelter nor good meals three times a day. So my mother was weak and died. Living in the village sometimes is a curse. You don't have a good health center or school or anything apart from the nature's beauty. I have been to town only once and it was worth one year in the village. Our village is in a coastal area. Papa is the richest man there . He owns eight boats and rent them to fishermen and other people with needs. We have a two storied house at the one end of the village close to sea where nobody much comes.
Superstitions still have its deep roots in our villagers mind. And women are still inferior to men. So one way our village is a sexist village. We don't get education after the age of 12 . Most of the girls are sold in the name of marriage by the age of 14 . There is no place for love or freedom but restrictions and caging.
My sister got married when she was only 13 because my father had thought then that he is going to die without getting his daughters married and see his grand children believing in the words of an astrologer. Lucky I am he kept me home till I was 18. That is a huge leap of progress in our village. My papa was constantly blamed for keeping me home this long. But papa has no one else to look after him and so he kept me close with him. He let me complete tenth grade and that made me look like a scholar in the village.
There were coastguards coming often in our area.That changed my life forever. One afternoon papa brought them home for lunch when they got to the shore ,being a elderly person in the village . They were all good people and one among them there was an Anglo-Indian. He said his mother is Indian and father French. Surely he must be like his father with all those charming looks . Papa never knew that I am talking with this coastguard man . He was only 22 .
Papa often went to town and stayed for a day or two trusting and leaving me alone here. One day he came back with a proposal . A man of 30, his new business friend had showed an interest in me it seemed he Said.
But I was already in too deep. I denied in all the way I could. But it made my father broken. My sister and her husband started to involve and advice me in this matter . "You're are 20. If you don't marry now you are going to die as an old maid. " brother- in-law said.
I forcefully got married. My family sold me to another man ten years older than me and an empty heart in town.But they never knew that I sold my heart and my virtue to my only love. Everything month papa went to town he came home and we would spend really intimate times together. He always brought me gifts which was all safely hidden. Since there is no houses around ours nobody had seen him coming or leaving for all this one year. He took me to places I have never been before. And papa never knew. I couldn't distinguish between right or wrong nor share my feelings and thoughts with any else. May be if only my mother was alive she could have advised me on matters..
My husband have the house like the one I have back in village.. The only thing that keeps me going is the town. He takes me to new places and buy me things every time we go out but it was not because he loves me but only to keep me live with him. He never says any beautiful words nor any sweet things except when has need with me at nights . He has no family. I am his only family and this sympathy for him made me live with him than the things he buys me.
After an year of doll life in town , I met my long lost love in the streets still looking same young and handsome where I in the disguise of a married woman. Lucky I was alone . I spent my whole day with him in his hotel room . He said he quit coastguard job after I left the village and Went back to his father's place and has now come here for visiting a friend. When I woke up with hopes to never go back but live with him forever afraid of losing again I found something glistening in his finger on his right hand as he slept. A ring. My hopes streamed down along with my tears. I silently left the room with a thousand splendid memories to live with further.
I knew what it meant. I felt ashamed of myself. My heart lender doesn't belong to me anymore. May be I should have given a thought to this very earlier. I loved him and he said he loved me back too but he never said he would Marry me or take me with him. There were no promises but only carnal pleasure for him or may be to be very appropriate carnal abuse since I was hardly 19 when I met him. I cried that whole night deciding to start a new life with my husband . I cried expecting to be consoled by him but instead he asked me to go away finish weeping and come back. That cold rejection hurt like a deep wound cut again.
I feel ashamed. Why couldn't I be a good daughter and a good wife. Have I not cheated everyone. My husband and my family . Yes my family , I did. But I am still a good wife to my care taker man to say. I never reacted when I found lip stick mark on his neck one day when he got back home so I am being a very obedient wife to him am I not keeping silent even though I wanted to smash his head with a pan, My husband . I know how much time he spent with other good wives . But I don't want my self to be one.I neither want to suffer nor to be a curse in another woman's dreams about her husband. I am so tried of this. Why so much suffering. Why don't people respect my feeling because am just a woman and an object to everyone. My papa doesn't know anything. Poor man thinks his duties are over and he can now die peacefully.
Now I have decided to go away. A very far away place were nobody will know about me and my past. Am sure to die when my child is born since it won't resemble anybody related to me, with those fair western look. It is better to live alone than live a dying life everyday with people you don't have a drop of feeling. Like the ocean now my heart feels the wave of despair, regret and some anxiety.
If only my mother was alive she would have guided me to the right way. If only my love wasn't for a coward person I wouldn't have suffered this. If only I wasn't born as a curse my life would have had another twist.Now I know why they said am Born curse. It is not for others but myself for self destruction.
Sitting in the bus now eloping with my dark secrets my pain seems to slowly fade . Let boarding this bus to another city be my boarding to a new happy life with my child. I kept a letter near the bed stand for my dear husband saying" do not hide any more sir. have a happy time with other women when I leave " . Its making me laugh on how it is going to be a slap on his face and for Papa am sure he will understand me one day.
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